Boner Medicine

Normally in the FanDome, we try to keep things PG rated (nodding to eyeb), but a recent and very entertaining post by the great Joe Posnanski brought up (hint pun) one of this writer's most enduring irritants. It's only somewhat baseball related because these guys spend millions of dollars advertising on baseball telecasts. But then again, they spend millions advertising on all sports events, local news, national news and just about everywhere else. Yes, we're talking about boner medicine.

The Fan is somewhat sensitive to this topic because late in life, the Fan became the dad of an angel of a girl who is now thirteen years old. Fortunately (confused if that is fortunate or not), she thinks the commercials are gross. But the point is, why should she have to endure them? Why do any of us have to?

As Mr. Posnanski points out, there is no getting around the warnings to call a doctor immediately if your erection lasts more than four hours. There is no getting around the whole point of these commercials that erections are the issue at hand (that was an unfortunate pun). Okay, it's understood that some men have a problem in this area. And it's a good thing that our grandfathers have a new shot at some fun, that is, as long as we don't have to picture it or think about that concept very much. But really, why do we have to endure these blooming commercials day in and day out?

And who writes these things? The Fan's wife thinks men do and the Fan thinks that women do. Either way, they are pretty ridiculous. The first thing that comes to mind is those dang Cialis bath tubs. Who on G-d's green earth actually thinks that sitting in separate tubs (on the beach, in a garden, in a field, in a mountain) would be romantic? How do they get the water in there? Wouldn't it be more romantic and useful to what the medicine does to have both people in the same tub? If "the moment becomes right" wouldn't hopping into the other person's small bath tub be inconvenient?

And what about the other ones where the guy throw away the remotes and she throws away the magazines? Do they make use of what the medicine does? Nope, they dance instead. That reminds the Fan of the geckos down in Florida that go through an hour long ritual of showing off for each other before they actually get to business. Just do it, man!

It's bad enough that the commercials are on constantly, now these drugs are sponsoring events. In golf, we have/had "The Cialis Open." That gives new meaning to the golf expression, "hitting it stiff." During baseball games, we have the Cialis Pitching Change or other such inglorious uses of the name. Imagine the poor announcers (obviously an oxymoron) who have to read that crap and see it all over their program notes.

All this is Bill Clinton's fault. It was his dalliances with interns that became such big news that boners and other sexual acts started getting mentioned in news stories. Hey, if it's in news stories, then we sure as heck have a right to advertise about this great medicine that allows men everywhere to get erections with a magic pill. There is even a choice now between a daily pill and a spur of the moment pill. Good to know.

Baseball, more than most sports is a passed-down-through-the-generation type thing. Parents take the kids out to the games, watch games on TV and slog the kids to Little League. How many awkward conversations get generated for these poor parents when little John-EE or Amberlyn (got to get all these new-fangled names in there to be relevant) ask what an erection is?

And have you noticed that all of the actors in these commercials look fit as fiddles? Not an overweight or wrinkly face anywhere in sight. And worst of all, one of Elvis Presley's best songs is totally ruined forever by Viagra. That is truly the crime of the decade.

While we are on the subject, why must we also endure so many commercials about guys who can't pee? Or dentures that ooze? Or women who can't hold it? Or jock itch? Or feminine itch? Or women that can't naturally lubricate (ewww)? An evening at the old ballgame has become this creepy litany of oozing, itching, peeing and dancing-until-you-do-it bonanza. It's awful.

In an effort to be journalistically justified, this author must confess to trying Viagra once even though (thank G-d) there is no problem for this big and late-middle-aged fellow. It made the family jewels ache for an hour or so. It felt like someone had permanently kicked the Fan in the nuts. Not exactly romantic.

Look, the Fan gets it. These drugs make their companies a lot of money. Does all that advertising really make a difference though? Just about everyone in America now knows that if you can't pee, or can't stop peeing, can't get it up, can't stop itching, can't lubricate or whatever, there is medicine that can help you. Now that we are all informed until we are either numb or nauseous, can't we get these dang things away from our ball games, golf matches and rounds of Jeopardy? This dad would be eternally grateful if we could.