Friday, July 23, 2010

I Wish I Had a Dollar Every Time...

If you watch baseball enough, certain things drive you crazy. Those are the times that tend to cause the viewer to start screaming at the television. You can go insane. Of course, all of us long-time viewers think we are smarter than any manager, player, umpire and official scorer that ever lived. We just didn't have the talent to actually play. As such, it is our sacred duty to yell at the screen to point out to the umpire, manager, player or official scorer what morons they are. Nothing helps though. Those overpaid people just don't know the game like we do. In honor of us, the aggrieved viewers, the Fans that watch these dorks play baseball every day, here is a list for us.

The list goes like this:

I wish I had a dollar every time...

...A batter takes two meatballs for strikes and then swings at a pitch in the dirt for strike three. Swing at the meatballs, Stupid!
...A fielder worries about that guy on third when they have a two, three or four run lead in the late innings. Get the out, stupid!
...An umpire calls a runner out because the ball beat the runner to the base. That still doesn't mean he didn't avoid/beat the tag, Stupid!
...A player on a bad team fails to hustle and costs his team a run. A perfect example is runners on second and third with two out and the batter hits one sharply in the corner. The outfielder makes a great adjustment to the ball and throws the runner out at second. Meanwhile, the guy who was on second is jogging and doesn't get to the plate before the guy at second is tagged for the last out. Run, Stupid! This happened AGAIN to the Royals Thursday night.
...An official scorer gives the hometown hero a hit at home when it was clearly an error. Hey, Homer, that's bogus!
...An announcer gets all stoked when a ball is hit deep only to have the ball land safely in the outfielder's glove on the warning track. You got the best job in history! At least wait until you see where the ball is going to end up.
...An umpire has no idea where the outside or inside corner of the plate is. Come on, you guys have been doing this for decades through every level. Get it right for crying out loud. What really sucks is when you miss a called strike three and then the batter gets a key hit he never should have had.
...A home town fan in the first or second row interferes with his own team's fielder so the foul pop can't be caught. Moron!
...The shoe is on the other foot when the home town fan DOESN'T get in the way of an opposing team player reaching into the stands for a foul pop. Geez!
...A National League pitcher bunts for a sacrifice with one out. Get some cahoonies, NL managers!
...The third announcer in the stands doesn't know how long to talk before he/she interferes with the play in progress. Shut up already!
...A postgame interviewer asks the player how he felt when he hit the game winning homer. You get paid for that crap!?
...Every time Jorge Posada goes to the mound to find out what his pitcher should throw. You've been doing this for how long now?
...Every time a base runner on first will flinch and step back towards first whenever a lefty is pitching. Relax! The coach will tell you when to get back.
...All the base runners that slide hands first. You have a death wish or something?
...Every fan that boos when a pitcher throws high and tight to the home town batter. Come on now.
...Every time a manager lets his starter begin a late inning (7th, 8th or 9th) only to pull him out if he gets a runner on base. Oh Yee of little faith (or lack of foresight).
...Every time a reliever walks the first batter he faces. That isn't helping!
...Every time a guy swings at the first pitch when the pitcher has just walked two guys in a row. Were you watching?
...Every time a guy swings at a ball in the dirt when he just did the same exact thing for strike one and strike two. Slow learner, ain'tcha?
...A home town fan throws a home run ball back on the field if the opposing team player hit the home run. Do you know how many odds you beat just to get that souvenir? Keep the darn ball! It's the only thing you'll get at a ballpark that doesn't cost $5 or more.
...Every fan this Fan sees in the stands talking on a cell phone. You paid all that money and aren't watching the game?
...A reliever who throws to first fifteen times when up two or more runs. Forget about that guy!
...For every egotist that tries to beat a shift in the infield, especially with men on base. Just dink it down towards third! Do that twenty times and your average will go up five points which helps your WAR and the infielders of the world will stop doing that and you can go on with your life.
...For every manager who will intentionally walk a batter when he's got to know his pitcher is averaging four walks per nine innings already.
...For every LOOGY that thows that sweeping curve on the first pitch that ends up three feet outside. Read these lips: THAT DOESN'T WORK!
...For every time a batter will bunt the ball towards the pitcher or first with a man on second. If you have to bunt, bunt it so the third baseman has to make the play!
...For every umpire that takes his mask off when his strike or ball call is challenged. Keep your mask on and be a pro for crying out loud.
...For every batter that walks completely around the umpire and catcher after a swing and miss. Hurry up already! Cano does that every at bat.
...For every pitcher that will walk around the mound after every ball he throws. Just forget about it and get up there and throw a strike.
...Every batter who calls time when there is a man on second and the signs take too long. What a waste of time! And for every umpire that lets him do it.

And the Fan's very least favorite...I wish I had a dollar for every time a pitcher gives up five or more runs and only one of them is earned because of his own error.

Got some of your own? Comment away!

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